Fireball Cinnamon Customer Pleased to Find Out They Have No Alcohol Content

BROOKLYN, NY -- In lieu of the lawsuit being carried out against Fireball Whiskey's Parent Company Sazarec Company, Inc, over its misleading branding, one local customer was especially pleased to find out that Fireball Cinnamon shooters contain no alcohol content. "This is great news," says the regular local customer of the AM/PM gas station, whose owner went on to say how many handfuls of the Fireball Cinnamon Shooters he had been selling to him over the last few years. "It was all I drank at parties and the bars I would sneak them in to save money, so it's good to know for all those years I thought that was making me the life of every party, it was just me all along, the entire time and I just didn't know. For all that time, I thought those little cinnamon shooters contributed to my efforts in approaching women and new groups of ppl, I had it all along inside of myself. Maybe now, with this new information, I can finally reconnect with my family and get my job back." When both parties, out of his former family and job were asked if this might be possible, they said hell no. That man is a monster.

Shocking Best Actress Prediction says EEAAO Star Michelle Yeoh Could Literally Kill All Four Remaining Nominees

LOS ANGELES, CA -- In lieu of the race to the Oscars as it gets underway, numerous polls of predictions are taking shape, with some of them saying that EEAAO Oscar Nominated Star Actress Michelle Yeoh could indeed quite possibly kill all four remaining nominees. "I mean if things don't go her way, it's just not impossible to imagine these days," said Variety Reporter Boss Tweed, who went on to cite last year's unforgettable and unfortunate incident, which transpired between actors Will Smith and Chris Rock as a shining example of such violence that can take place, also known to everyone else as the slap heard around the world. "History tends to repeat itself in some ways is all I'm saying. And if her fighting style in that picture is in any way an indicator of how she handles very tough and high-pressure situations like the Academy Awards ceremonies, which they very much always are, then I can easily imagine her taking all four remaining actresses' heads off in one fell swoop, whether she loses or wins. I would just hope to God for everyone's sake and safety, especially for those four remaining nominees' that the final result is the latter." When a follow up with Boss Tweed was requested of the front desk, we were told by them that there is no one writing for Variety under that name. 

Award Winning Short Story Writer Afraid to Write Another Story

SAN FRANCISCO, CA - After winning the Joyland Short Story Writing Contest, American Award-Winning Short Story Writer Julia Rieter says she’s afraid to write another short story. "It’s not that I’m afraid to write another short story, but that I’m afraid of writing a bad short story," says Rieter, who added that this isn’t the same as being afraid of writing itself. "I know I can write anything, but whether or not I can make whatever I choose to write feel as real and authentic as the last thing is another story, a lot like this one like you see what I did there, the play on words I did w the premise of the story you’re writing on me here and the last thing I said? I mean that’s more like a joke, you see, but I’m sure it will add flair to the story you’re writing on me here about how afraid I am of writing a bad story, so I would change the headline from short story itself to bad short story. Say 'short story writer is afraid of writing a bad short story,' and don’t say 'another bad short story' either, bc the first one wasn’t bad. I mean that one won me a prize, which is exactly why you’re writing about this newfound and unfortunate fear of mine, I’m dealing w now." When her coworkers at Instagram were asked how she deals w pressure like this, they said they dk, but that what they do know is she’s in danger of losing her job as their front desk office manager and receptionist. 

Stephen Curry Drops a Threatening Text Message in Warriors Basketball Team Group Thread

SAN FRANCISCO, CA -- After last night's devastating loss to the Durant-less Brooklyn Nets, Point Guard Stephen Curry jumped in his team’s group thread w a threatening text message. "If y’all lose the next game, get ready is all I gotta say," rifled Four-Time NBA Champion and Veteran Guard Curry into the SMS group thread, he’s had w them since the beginning of this season. "I know y’all think it’s just a game we playing out there every night, but it’s a lot more than that to me. Always has and always will be. This is my legacy, and I’ll be damned if I let a bunch of snot nosed little twerps like you diminish that. This goes out to you too as well Poole. You think what Draymond did to you during preseason is bad? Well, see what happens if you blow one more lead like that against a team like my younger brothers’ without their star player. Let’s just say I hope you like sandwiches, bc I gotta knuckle one." When Shooting Guard Jordan Poole was asked exactly how he felt about Curry's completely unhinged or called for text message out to his entire team he just shrugged, and said, "I guess we just have to win the next game, or there won’t be any more pool parties for me."